Returning to Thailand

Koh Phi Phi used to be my favourite place in Thailand. It’s where I first started traveling. It’s where I gained a world of confidence. It’s where I met some people who heavily shaped my life. I even had a Phi Phi song that my friends and I would dance to.

When I was just in Koh Phi Phi was easily the worst experience I’ve ever had traveling. Most of you would know how much breakups suck, but this wasn’t a standard breakup. It was so painful – the most painful. Not only did I lose my boyfriend, I lost my best friend, I lost a little faith in humanity. I lost my ability to trust freely. I lost a lot – in one of my favourite places in the world. 

I don’t really think it’s appropriate to go into details of the breakup here – it serves no one. But it’s safe to say this is easily the most emotionally devastating thing I have gone through in my life. It’s worse than death, because it didn’t have to happen like this. He chose for it to be this way, for it to hurt like this. He chose it all and doesn’t seem to care that it’s affected me like this. That sucks.

After everything came out, I knew I had to leave Thailand immediately and take myself somewhere to heal and Ubud was the only place I wanted to go.

After a few days of conversations with my lovely friend and a couple of emotionally challenging yoga classes, I decided to head to Villa Kitty.

I love volunteering and I’ve really missed having a cat, so it seemed like a great idea.

When I arrived, things were a lot more confronting than I expected. I was guided by the owner to a small room with two cats that were very antisocial. They weren’t particularly interested in me. While I tried to pat them and be patient with them, I felt extremely disheartened. I felt very unloved. And who wouldn’t, when the person you loved most in the world hurt you in such a way and now you have some cats rejecting you too. I felt so sorry for myself and wanted to burst into tears and run out of that place.

But I stayed.

I lingered past the discomfort and slowly, in time, the cats warmed up to me. It was obvious these cats had been through a lot, and here they were nuzzling against me and letting me pat them. It was quite beautiful.

In the afternoon a new girl showed up. She was a lovely girl and just one of those people I know I was destined to meet.

We talked about everything – our fears, our passions, relationships, love, what we want from life.

She told me a story that resonated so deeply with me that I knew I had to meet her in that moment to hear that exact story.

Later that day we went to a cafe and I met two of her friends and another two guys who were sitting across from me. I tried to introduce myself without being the girl who just had her heart broken, but honestly, it seemed to just slip out whenever anyone asked how long I was traveling for. How could I tell ‘my story’ without him and what happened and what brought me here?

The next day I met up with my new friends and we hung out with the kitties and then went to dinner, where I met another girl. Four girls, sitting around a table talking about our heartbreak stories. It was really sad. I felt awful. We’d all been screwed over by people we really loved and it just sucked. Misery loves company.

I went home and felt awful and cried. I decided I didn’t want to be defined as the girl who was hurt by the person she loved most. I just wanted to be me again. A fresh start. So I decided that he wouldn’t be a part of my story, until I could say his name without wanting to cry.

The next day I met some new people and I introduced myself. Immediately they asked how long I had been traveling for and I cut out the part of our trip where we had been together. I’d be traveling a week, I said. I disguised my lack of plans (because all of our plans had been crushed and I couldn’t bare to think of the future) by pretending I was very, very free spirited and just going with it. I felt bad about lying. I felt bad about cutting out the part of our trip that we shared together. A little part of me choked.

But I knew I needed a fresh start to move forward. I couldn’t keep being the Heart Broken Girl. It didn’t really suit me.

Since then I’ve been absolutely blessed to meet so many people I know that I was destined to meet. There have been signs flashing in front of me from every direction… guiding me and letting me know I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.

After lecturing a new friend on how I believe in “signs”, I asked him what his favourite movie was – he replied The Lion King. No more than 2 minutes later, I met a girl who designed tattoo fonts. I mentioned I was contemplating a tattoo and she showed me hers “Hakuna Matata” – how does this even happen? I’ve never seen someone with that tattooed before, let alone moments after I was talking about the very movie it was from.

Hukana Matata.

The calibre of conversations I’ve had in Ubud has been outstanding. I’ve had so much guidance in terms of how I want to expand my business, the kind of person I want to be, what I want from life, what I’m going to give back to the world and what I’m going to accept in future. I fell in love with yoga and realised how deeply I can connect with myself through the practice.

Tomorrow I head back to Thailand. I am a bit apprehensive about it, because I know he’s there. I don’t know if he’s in Bangkok, but it feels so strange to me that we could be a few hours apart and not seeing each other. A part of me really hopes he messages me, and another part of me isn’t sure. It’s just weird. I find it so strange to consider that the person I shared everything with is now basically a stranger. Only a few weeks ago we were in hysterics about our ugly luging photo – and now this? I don’t really understand how it got to here. 

Returning to Thailand will be very hard for me. Emotions will be floating through my body. A part of me will wonder if we’ll bump into each other and will be sad if we don’t. But I’m going to push through the discomfort, because I want to be there for me. 

Beyond Thailand, I’ve made some loose plans. I’ve always wanted to go to New York, so I think I’ll head there in maybe 3-4 weeks. After that, I’m going to go to Guatemala to learn Spanish and to volunteer at Casa Guatemala. After that? I don’t know. I’ll see where my heart wants to go. Part of me wants to do a yoga retreat in Costa Rica, another part of me wants to go to Cuba. A bigger part of me has no idea and is OK with that.

As much as this hurts, I’m determined to ensure this becomes one of the best things that’s ever happened to me. When I found out what happened and that it was over, I felt destroyed. I felt so lost. Now I realise I’m a blank canvas and I’m going to paint myself with the most wonderful adventures.

I’m going to have an exceptional life and it’s only just starting now.